I could spew a bunch of bullshit about Valentine’s Day being a Hallmark holiday and all it will accomplish is making me sound as single as I really am. Instead – I’m just going to tell you how to re-route this bitch into a positive experience. Let food be your valentine. Before you tell me that emotional eating is unhealthy, let me tell you to shut up.

Do you ever wonder why the girls in the Carl’s Jr. commercials are rubbing burgers all over their tits and they look like they’re enjoying it? IT’S BECAUSE THEY ARE. I do that all the time except nobody pays me for it. Do you remember when Ben Stiller made love to some pizza in the movie Dodge Ball? He had the right idea.

So listen up, Sad Sallies and Desperate Dans – stop wallowing in self-pity, DON’T get off the couch, just stay there and order Seamless, and thank god that you’re not in a restaurant watching an awkward-Tinder-Valentine-fiasco go down.

Here’s a list of all the foods that can replace a significant other for you:

PIZZA

Sex is like pizza, when it’s good it’s really good, and when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. Pizza is never gonna let you down. Pizza will never hit on the waitress or bail on your date. When you order pizza, pizza gets there and it’s almost always on time. You want a personal pizza? You can get a personal pizza. You want to triple-team this pizza with a couple of friends? You can do that too. Pizza is whatever you want it to be. Pizza is your #1.

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BURGERS

I live on the east coast and I am in a very committed, long-distance relationship with In-N-Out burger. I know on a personal level what it’s like to love – and temporarily lose – a burger that was really special to me. This Valentine’s Day, hold your burger close. Cherish it. Let it know what makes it special. Maybe it’s the brioche bun, its unique sauce; whatever it is…don’t take it for granted.

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STEAK

The phrase “looking at someone like a piece of meat” came from someone staring longingly at a literal piece of meat. Cue: Steak. Let yourself salivate before plunging head first into that juicy son-of-a-bitch. Actually allow yourself to develop feelings for this beautiful thing. Steak already has your dad’s approval for sure, so feel free to propose.

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PANCAKES

Pancakes are the bad boy that you date to piss off your parents. Pancakes are the girl with full-sleeve tattoos. Breakfast for dinner? Oh you rule-breaker, you. Nothing says IDGAF like eating breakfast for dinner and yet it feels so right. If you’ve seen any commercial/video/gif of syrup cascading slowly over a stack of fresh, fluffy, buttermilk pancakes – you know it’s better than any porn you’ve ever seen in your life.

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TACOS

You want to spice things up. You don’t want a ‘vanilla’ relationship. Unless you mean vanilla Häagen-Dazs cause that shit is delicious. Tacos are your reliable side-piece. They’re your 3am booty call.  You can’t have them all the time because of your mild IBS, but when you do have them, it’s magical. The meat, the cheeses, the spices, the vegetables that you don’t care about at all but make you feel slightly less guilty – tacos have it all.

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A GIANT CHOCOLATE CAKE

This is for the OG foodies, the ones who aren’t fucking around. Get to your local bakery, buy a chocolate cake meant to serve an entire 11-year-old’s birthday party and go to town on that thing. Go Bruce-in-Matilda on that baby. I hate that cakes are only reserved for special occasions with groups of people. The occasion is Valentine’s Day and you’re a party of one. You shouldn’t be held back by slices. Treat cakes like cookies – THEY’RE JUST HUGE COOKIES. The serving size is one whole cake and god dammit you deserve it.

Relationships are messy and so is food. But instead of trying to emotionally heal yourself while picking up the pieces of your broken heart, all you need to do is vacuum up some crumbs and you’re good to go. Food won’t fuck with your head. Food won’t tell you it’ll love you forever and then leave you after a year and a half because “it isn’t working”. Food is better than that. Food is bae.