FOOD BRACKETOLOGY: Our Analysis of a 6-Year-Old’s Bracket to Decide on Dinner
There’s a 6-year-old kid obsessed with making brackets to solve everyday problems, and his problem of the day was dinner. So in an intense food fight of a lifetime, he put together a list of 16 foods, put them head-to-head and had them battle it out, March Madness style.
There are some head scratchers in the mix, such as “pooh,” but it was a solid, all-around bracket. We wouldn’t do the bracket justice without over-analyzing this bracket, so we channeled our inner ESPN analyst and broke down each match up, Bracketology style.
Here’s how each match up went:
FIRST ROUND- SWEET 16
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Cake vs. Chick-Fil-A
The first match-up was cake vs. Chick-Fil-A. Cake came in with a higher ranking than Chick-Fil-A, but Chick-Fil-A has been a solid dinner choice with a bad season under its belt. They’re repairing their image after the whole anti-gay thing, but their menu was still solid enough to give a strong effort. No surprise that they came out with the narrow first-round victory.
Winner: Chick-Fil-A
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Chicken vs. Slurpee
Slurpee came in as a major underdog in this one, but with Chick-Fil-A’s victory in the first match-up, it only made sense that Slurpee would pass through ahead of chicken. A kid can only take so much chicken. Chicken had all the intangibles like its lean protein, and is actually more filling than a Slurpee, but Slurpee came in on a sugar high that chicken could not match.
Winner: Slurpee
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McDonald’s vs. Pooh
Pooh came into the tournament with the lowest ranking, because it’s crap. Literally. Don’t know what this kid was thinking, seeing how poop isn’t food, unless you’re a curious puppy, it didn’t seem to stand a chance in this match-up. Although sometimes McDonald’s might look like pooh, it has been a powerhouse for decades. It’s surprising that pooh even sneaked into the tournament ahead of actual food such as tacos, or maybe macaroni, but it just proves how unexpected these tournaments can be.
Winner: McDonald’s
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Pizza vs. Soup
The summer heat might have done in soup. Had this tournament taken place in the winter months, soup would have definitely made a deeper run, but they fell victim to the seasons. Pizza came in as the No. 1 ranked food in the tournament. Although soup came in as a mid-major food with a lot of upside, pizza was just overpowering with its cheesy goodness and variety in toppings.
Winner: Pizza
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Brownies vs. Ice Cream
Both brownies and ice cream could have been in a separate bracket that highlighted desserts, but they made their way to the prime time bracket and can make a lot of noise the way VCU did in the 2011 NCAA Tournament. Although evenly matched, brownies pulled out the win to advance to the next round.
Winner: Brownie
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Hot Dog vs. Milkshake
Hot dog came in as a favorite in this one, but there has been a trend in this tournament that has favored sugary drinks. There’s always the chance that you can choke on a hot dog, so that didn’t help its cause down the stretch. Both milkshake and Slurpee could catch fire in this tournament and meet in the finals, in a surprising championship match-up in the most unlikely scenario in food bracket history.
Winner: Milkshake
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Spaghetti vs. French Fries
This was probably the biggest match-up in the first round as both are kid-friendly choices. Even with its lack of size, fries looked to take advantage of its recent popularity of being stuffed inside burgers, but spaghetti made a strong, late push to pull out the buzzer-beater and move on. The heartbroken fries fought valiantly, but their lack of nutritional value might have been their downfall in this round.
Winner: Spaghetti
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Hamburgers vs. Pretzel
In the biggest upset of the tournament, we saw pretzel out-muscle hamburger. Hamburger has the ideal size you’d expect from a favorite food, but a warm pretzel, coupled with cream cheese, or pizza sauce? Now that hits the spot. Still, hamburger was seen as a favorite to go far in this tournament, and it tried to take advantage of its size and strength, but pretzel twisted things late in the match up.
Winner: Pretzel
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ELITE-8
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Chick-Fil-A vs. Slurpee
Chick-Fil-A looked strong in the first round, easily getting past cake, but Slurpee is still riding a wave of momentum. Chick-Fil-A looked like a winner early on, seeing how it’s actually a solid food and would be a more obvious choice for dinner (Come on, kid), but Slurpee’s sweetness always gives it a fighting chance, and it took advantage in this round.
Winner: Slurpee
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McDonald’s vs. Pizza
Most experts believed these two would would meet up in this round. The winner of this match up looks to be the favorite going forward, as these two are the Duke and UNC of this tournament. Two juggernauts in the food game, this was an epic confrontation. In the end, pizza told McDonald’s to kiss its crust, and took the victory.
Winner: Pizza
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Brownies vs. Milkshake
Both brownies and milkshake easily advanced from the Sweet 16 round, which makes sense since they were two of the sweetest contenders in the tournament. These two are evenly matched. Maybe the slight edge would have been given to milkshake because of its ability to mimic a brownie’s style if needed, but it was not their day. Brownies just always sound amazing and they continue to surprise in this tourney.
Winner: Brownies
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Spaghetti vs. Pretzel
In the first round, it looked like Spaghetti was a serious championship contender, but it hit a wall in this round. Pretzel has been the dark horse of the tournament. After their first round upset over hamburgers, they haven’t slowed down at all. Their victory here sets up an interesting match up against brownies in the final four.
Winner: Pretzel
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FINAL FOUR
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Slurpee vs. Pizza
It’s surprising that Slurpee made it this far as an underdog, but all Cinderella stories eventually come to an end. Pizza has been dominant in this tournament and that did not change in this round. With its slices, pizza has jelled more as a team in this tournament. Slurpee is a one-man team and couldn’t keep up. Slurpee came in with a lot of steam and a burst of energy, but pizza is pizza. Usually, that’s enough.
Winner: Pizza
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Brownies vs. Pretzel
No one believed that either of these two foods would have made it out of the first round, and here they are in the final four, fighting for a spot in the championship. We saw brownie sneak past ice cream and milkshake, and while pretzel looked like a good choice to advance, the allure of a warm, soft brownie trumped it. At this stage nothing can surprise us in this bracket.
Winner: Brownies
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CHAMPIONSHIP
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Pizza vs. Brownies
Pizza has been bullying its way through this bracket, but brownies did show a lot of fight in them. Both displayed great “team efforts” throughout the tournament, which is really what wins championships. A kid with a sweet tooth could have easily gone with brownies in this dog fight. However, pizza was the favorite coming in and put an end to brownie’s Cinderella run in the tournament.
Winner: Pizza
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CHAMPION: PIZZA
No surprise here. Pizza is usually the go-to food when you’re indecisive, and this kid learned this fact through a tumultuous bracket. Pizza has a storied tradition similar to UCLA’s and are always a favorite in any bracket. Pizza wasn’t just a flashy dunker like Slurpee was, they’re an outstanding team, whose potential of being sliced and assisted to others gave them the edge. When paired with chicken wings off the bench, it creates a complete team effort.
Congrats on your dinner, kid. You busted many brackets and kept the underdogs competing, but in the end, you crowned a strong champion.
