All I Want for Christmas is a $2,900 Domino’s Pizza Watch

Dear Foodbeast reader:

Are you struggling to find the perfect gift for that special someone in your life? Do you fear the Christmas crowds in stores? Are you drunk right now, and armed with a credit card?

If you answered yes to all of these questions, consider this year’s hot holiday item, higher than almost everything on everyone’s wishlist ever: the Domino’s-labeled Swiss Army Watch, yours for the low price of $2,900. Hotter this season than even the Strangle-Me-Elmo (patent pending), the Domino’s watch is a timeless gift for you and your kin.

The Domino’s-labeled watch is perfect for anyone who has ever enjoyed a Domino’s pizza and/or telling the time! Scientific research conducted in actual labs proves that staring at the logo of a pizza chain while telling the time can make you happier, godlier and wiser!! Also it’s the perfect conversation starter: why talk about the stock market with your fellow $2,900 watch-wearing friends when you can talk about FREAKING PIZZA?

The Domino’s Swiss Army watch is a must-have accessory to pair with a pair of McDonald’s sneakers, Chick-fil-a baseball cap and Subway-sandwich-printed pants.

*Readers beware of the dangerous knockoff, the Godfather’s Pizza Folex (fake Rolex) brought to you by Herman Cain in his latest post-candidacy endeavor. This watch is valued at approx. $10 and is actually FILLED WITH PIZZA SAUCE.