An Open Letter To The Guy Who Ate In-N-Out For 30 Days

*If you haven’t read the first article this one is about, read it here first.*

Nast, bro. Straight nast.

As a California native and a self-proclaimed (and unapologetically and unanimously agreed upon) fatboy, I can say with all certainty that despite how much I am obsessed with In-N-Out, I could never eat it 30 days in a row. Not because I would get sick of it or because I’m concerned about health reasons. No, nothing trivial and whiny like that. I wouldn’t do it because I simply respect the shit out of In-N-Out way too much.

Dustin Wang, a 20-year-old student from Virginia recently moved to Southern California in order to attend UCI. According to him, the first thing he got when he landed was an In-N-Out burger. He’s had an outrageously unhealthy obsession with it ever since. Thanks to this obsession, Dustin decided to eat In-N-Out for 30 days straight, and thankfully, he documented his results.

However Dustin leaves a lot to be desired in terms of answers, so I decided to ask Dustin Wang a few of the tough questions that I’m sure are on everybody’s mind.

1. Dude…why?

Why do this to yourself? I understand that you want to see if you’re sick of it by the end, but why did you come to this decision in the first place? Do you really have to eat it for 30 days in a row to know you’re going to get sick of it?

I once ordered 5 tacos from Taco Bell, then I ate three and threw the other two away. I GOT SICK OF THEM MID-MEAL, DUSTIN. MID-FUCKING-MEAL. I’m getting angry with you as I’m typing this, I wish you were my child so I could legally (ish) beat you.

2. How did this affect your poopage?

The question everybody wonders, but nobody REALLY wants to know. Not the details at least, but just if there was a difference. Like did you start eating so many burgers that you just started deucing out full ingredients? Lettuce, tomato, patty, onions, buns?

Probably not. You probably just had diarrhea for 30 straight days. Just tell me, did you? No don’t tell me, get outta here with yo nasty ass.

Seriously though, did you?

3. Did you start becoming friendly with the employees?

I mean, you have to start learning the names of the people working there after going there continuously for 30 days, right? Did you maybe even fall in love with one of them? I’ve been known to fall in love with fast food employees every now and again so it could happen.

P.S. Myishea, you’re still the hottest In-N-Out employee I’ve ever seen, please respond to my love letters. There’s only 472, don’t be like that. Also, no restraining order can get in the way of love, don’t be ridiculous.

4. Did you ever get high before going? Or did you just eat In-N-Out sober for 30 days like a psycopath?

Maybe the first couple of times you weren’t baked, but how do you eat that much In-N-Out that often without using performance enhancing drugs? The only way I’d be able to do that is by getting high off my ass. I’m talkin’ beaker bottom JBL with six tree stems and a slit inline quadruple percolator with an 18 mm disc diffused ash catcher and ice pinchers. BOOM.

Wait, what was I talking about? Something about burgers and weed. Eh, whatever.

5. Did you ever eat multiple meals in one day?

This challenge is a lot tougher with In-N-Out than any other fast food place solely because of the very limited menu, so eating multiple meals in one day is tough. That being said, my question is this: did you ever, for example, eat two meals in one day so that you wouldn’t have to eat the next day? Or maybe eat a burger at 12:50 PM then eat another one at 1:00 AM, so that it was technically two meals being eaten at the same time?

Or am I the only scoundrel that thinks like that? Bullshit Dustin, you do too, shut up. Lol, fuckin’ guy.

6. When is the next time you see yourself eating In-N-Out?

After eating it for 30 days straight, how long will you wait until you eat it again? I know I’ve mocked you ever since I started writing this 638 words ago, but I’m still curious to know what the recovery time for something like that would be.

Anyone who has had In-N-Out even once before likely loves the shit out of it, so the recovery time you would require before your next burger could show people how gloriously addicting In-N-Out truly is. Let me know and I might take back some of the meaner things I said. But probably not.

Photo Credit: YouTube, Giphy, Darren Perkins, Inside Crumbzz, Totally Love It, Memes Vault, Life Hacker