Full disclosure: my goal at the end of this list is to make you want to punch something. The wall. Your laptop. The jackass buying last-minute flowers at the supermarket for his girlfriend and his cute coworker. I want you to get so angry that your body becomes a vessel fueled by the universal hatred of single people everywhere, threatening to spill forth from your fingers into the face of the next fat baby angel you see, and then — when you don’t think you can take anymore — you’ll just  . . .  go to a bar. Or call up a couple single friends so you can all play Edward 40-Hands. Because that’s what happy, healthy, well-adjusted grown-ups do. Really.

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DRINK EVERY TIME . . .

Anyone who isn’t your boyfriend, girlfriend and/or significant other wishes you Happy Valentine’s Day

Picthx lol0

You get invited to a Singles-Only Party

How f–king thoughtful of you.

You hear Taylor Swift anywhere (and add a drink every time thereafter)

Picthx tumblr

Someone posts a Facebook status about how in love they are

Picthx College Humor

Someone calls Valentine’s Day a stupid, corporate holiday and declares how happy they are to be single

Sure you are.

You see one of these bad boys:

You read this list

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TAKE 2 DRINKS EVERY TIME . . .

Someone Instagrams their engagement ring (add two if that person is an ex)

Picthx weheartit

Somebody asks why you’re still single

JUST LUCKY, I GUESS!

Picthx Collider

You go out to dinner and the waiter asks how many in your party

You see someone eating their feelings

You decide to eat your feelings

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FINISH YOUR DRINK IF . . .

You end up on Pinterest, looking at wedding stuff

You end up on Thought Catalog, reading “The Perks of Being Single”

You end up on Facebook, creeping on your ex’s new boo

You end up on Netflix, period.

Picthx Doodle Flix

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GRAB A WHOLE NEW FLASK WHENEVER . . .

Someone complains about having a boyfriend and not being able to party with her single friends

Your younger sister gets engaged

You wind up beating ‘Dark Souls’

Picthx Polish the Console

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