8 Foods That Can Get You Legally High

Let’s say you want to get high, but your dope dealer is on vacay and your chump dealer only has the bunkest of the bogus. You’re up a strange river and you’re looking to get stranger, so you start wondering what’s in your pad that can launch you out of reality.

Well, before you start huffing cabinet goods and eating refrigerator parts, maybe check out this rundown of foods that’ll rough up your sanity to ensure that you don’t wind up with way more than you bargained for.

1. Nutmeg

Season 4-8 teaspoons of ground nutmeg into your system and wait for your nerves to pop goofy with (mild) hallucinations. Given that it’s the sprinkling on the holiday garbage punch that is eggnog, maybe you’ll hallucinate the obsessed-with-your-regret ghost of Christmas past, the party-animal-drunk ghost of Christmas present, and the always-a-quiet-dick ghost of Christmas future—except the high you get from nutmeg doesn’t kick in for five to six hours and it causes really bad flu symptoms (think food poisoning), paired with paranoia. Not only does it come with a severe day-plus war with your own body, but too much nutmeg can straight up kill you outright.

2. Sugar

Yes, here it is, the legal white powder. Sugar does up a balancing act of sorts, with refined sugar, as opposed to natural sugar, really doing a number on your body. Scientists even agree that you can get addicted to the stuff and go through real bad withdrawals from it. Natural sugar, like that found in fruit, is better for you, as it doesn’t get you as wild-eyed, but also won’t squirrel you out all madcap in the close-out. Ultimately, it’s not a bad thing that less of it winds up on new year’s resolution lists.

3. (Moldy) Rye Bread

When rye bread goes bad, it offers some “good” in theory (God closes a door and opens a window, blah blah blah). Basically, once the common grain fungi known as ergot rolls in, so does the chemical ergotamine, which is used for lysergic acid (not LSD, per se, but a compound used). However, “high” is a seriously loose term here, given that it’s a swirly mess of madness and poison. I mean, ergot, aside from leading to hectic convulsions and gangrenous symptoms, more or less contributed to the insanity of everyone calling for the Salem Witch Trials. Don’t try this at home…or anywhere.

4. Fish

Sure, maybe you’ve had smoked salmon, but you can’t smoke fish, bruh. You can, however, get high off a fish called the salema (also known as sarpa salpa). Found off the Eastern Atlantic and Mediterranean, this fish’s body can be eaten, but its head sure as hell can’t be if you have any intention of keeping a grasp on the world you’ve always known. The head’s filled with psychoactive chemicals, though it doesn’t often turn out to be psychotropic (depends on how much plankton and algae it’s had). If it is enough though, your brain’s seriously going to burn until you see a horrifying demonic alien warscape (think the Cronenberg episode of Rick and Morty).

5. Coffee

This shouldn’t exactly be a curveball to your knowledge base, seeing as how half the reason you even drink the stuff is to shred your nerves all gorgeous. Caffeine intoxication kicks in a lot sooner than you think though—250mg, to be exact (meaning a few cups or just a tall at Starbucks, honestly). But the real hellfire bummer comes at you full force in the fallout of 500mg. That much caffeine will toast your nervous system. It’ll be a chaotic mix of “I’m going to live forever” and “everything is dying” before lapsing into the latter with diarrhea, vomiting, convulsions, and hallucinations (that won’t justify your weak attempt to get high on the most available substance ever).

6. Chili Peppers

The endorphin rush from peppers is notable to anyone, so imagine the body sensation of chomping down on really, really, really hot chilis. Given that hot peppers are in the same botanical family as tobacco and deadly nightshade, it shouldn’t be surprising that the ingestion process sends you for a wild whirl. Also, seeing as that chilis are known for their capsaicin, which can actually work as a painkiller to some degree, eating more means more effect. In short, it’s pretty much an insane rush that feels like a high since it botches your senses so rough and crazy.

7. Poppy Seed Bagels

There’s always the floating rumor that poppy seeds will make you fail a drug test, but there’s a reason for that. They contain enough opium alkaloids, morphine, and codeine to do it, no problem. The high, though, is theoretical for the most part. Roughly 40g of poppy seeds equal a dose of morphine, but you’d pretty much have to be an alchemist to get the goods. Otherwise, you have to eat a total number of bagels that would kill you before you actually achieve anything resembling a buzz.

8. Mulberries

This is sort of high that seems like all class. Eating a whole lot of unripe mulberry plants can drum up a moderate batch of hallucinations. But it’s that same quality of “not quite there yet” that’s responsible for the high that will be your end. The unripe fruit, especially in large quantity, will wreck hell on your stomach. You’ll be barfing pretty uncontrollably. Trying to manage that much puke high is like doing calculus while drowning. Stay out.

Honorable Mention:

(Special) Brownies because…well, duh.