What Your Cocktail Says About You

Like it or not, the drink you order when you go to a bar tells a lot about you. So, after years of exhaustive research going to bars and staring at people and judging them, we’ve compiled this shorthand list detailing traits most commonly associated with certain drinks. Be afraid, mojito-drinker. Be very afraid.

Vodka Soda: You’re in it for the booze. Without the calories. Or the taste. Drinking is a means to an end for you, and you once kept track of exactly how many calories you’d eaten in one day and then burned exactly that amount off on a treadmill. Worse still, you might be a guy. You definitely own a Nike FuelBand.

Champagne: What is this, New Year’s? And what are you, a model? There is no raspberry gelée tart amuse-bouche from the tasting menu to pair it with at this bar. And we don’t care if you once did some “brand modeling” for Midori — that doesn’t count.

Cosmo: Remember that time when those fun-loving, independent ladies from Sex and the City started a national trend by ordering this drink on the show, and it was all awesome and sexy and freeing? You know that was 1998, right?

Mojito: Oh, right — you. A bartender’s worst nightmare. You had this drink once outside at a Cuba-themed cookout, and it was awesome. And you’re right, it was awesome. But IT IS WINTER NOW AND THE MINT LEAVES AREN’T FRESH AND THE BARTENDER HAS TO SIT HERE AND MUDDLE THIS SH*T WHILE EVERYONE AROUND YOU SHOOTS YOU IN THE FACE WITH THEIR EYES. You also own many Jodi Picoult books.

Rum and Coke: You are a college kid. Or maybe you’re just a college kid at heart. Either way, you should stop wearing those cargo shorts outside your house.

Mai Tai: You are a party animal. You own three ironic Hawaiian shirts, and one non-ironic Hawaiian shirt that just says “Hawaii.” Okay, so that’s actually a pretty decent shirt. It’s a nice fabric. You only change the radio station when Jimmy Buffett comes on if other people are in your car.

Gin and Tonic: You own eleventy polo shirts and secretly believe they look better with the collar popped. You first met a Jewish person in college, at Williams. You have several pine-scented candles in your apartment, but only use one, and the wick is getting dangerously long.

Whiskey Ginger Ale: You want people to see you drinking whiskey, but you don’t want to deal with actually drinking whiskey. Your Twitter account divulges too much information about your co-ed softball team.

Scotch on the Rocks: You somehow have two days’ worth of stubble, every day. You own a nice watch, but get nervous wearing it to places that don’t valet. You bought an expensive axe to chop firewood over the Internet, even though you don’t have a fireplace.

Scotch, Neat: Someone once told you that the best way to drink scotch is the way YOU like it, even if that means there’s a ton of ice in it… and you fired that person.

Bourbon, Neat: You love whiskey, but don’t want to spend $14 on a Macallan, even though you just got talked into spending $15 on a Michter’s. But hey, it’s a single barrel!

Bourbon on the Rocks: You are totally okay with the Bourbon, Neat guy making fun of you, because you just drank a whole glass of whiskey in 45 seconds, and that was the point, and you don’t really even like whiskey.

Long Island Iced Tea: You are either in college, or didn’t start drinking until you were 27. You own a long sleeve t-shirt that advertises a fake surf shop in a place you’ve never visited.

Bloody Mary: Dude, it’s midnight and that is 100% Mr & Mrs T mix. Also, stop telling everyone you drink it because it’s “good for you.”

Margarita on the Rocks: You buy sweet-and-savory snack mixes. You tried to kite-surf once, and you were startlingly bad at it.

Rosé Wine: You listened to Billy Joel’s “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” long enough to get past the bottles of red and white that he also drank, while getting super-sloshed in said restaurant. You also sometimes call it “rose,” like the flower, just to see how it feels.

French 75: You probably just told the uninterested person next to you that this drink was created in 1915 at the New York Bar in Paris, and was so named because it’s got a kick like the old French 75mm field gun. You’re also wearing non-prescription eyeglasses and brought your newest Lucky Peach to the bar. Sigh.

Double IPA: YOU ARE A MAN! A MAN WHO LOVES HOPS LIKE RICARDO MONTALBÁN LOVES CORINTHIAN LEATHER!! YOU ARE PROBABLY GOING TO ORDER A TRIPLE IPA NEXT!!! Also, you’re pretty hammered right now.

PBR: You swear it’s only because it’s cheap, even though it’s really not that cheap.

White Russian: You own The Big Lebowski on LaserDisc, and at one point attempted wearing bathrobes in public just to be HILARIOUS. You’ve gained 37lbs since that movie came out.

Jell-O Shots: Hahahahahahaha. Wait, why is that even a possibility? Where ARE you?!