Pickle Candy Canes, White Chocolate Peppermint Pringles and 9 Other Bizarre Food Items That Should be Recalled in 2013
We’re closing in on the end of 2012- and usually this time of year calls for countdown lists galore, where we can take some time to reflect on all the wild/crazy/fun happenings of the last 12 months. So to get in the spirit, we thought we’d take some time to look back at the wackiest food items we’ve featured this year, and then promptly nominate them for a recall. Without further adieu, let the countdown of awfulness commence!
_______
11. Bird Crap Seasoning
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. It’s a seasoning blend that is meant to “taste great on just about anything!” Surely, it could very well deliver on that promise; but I’d like to know what that marketing team was on when they all sat down and decided ‘Bird Crap’ would be an excellent choice for the name of a food item. Albeit, it does grab your attention, but I don’t think it’s in a good way.
_______
10. Sriracha Lip Balm
Okay, I realize this isn’t an entirely edible food product, but I was torn between this and Bacon Shaving Cream in the “Ridiculous Novelty Item” category. I don’t know about you, but I know when I’ve been eating something spicy (particularly hot sauce drenched meals), the first thing I do is start screaming “AHHHHHH MY LIPS ARE ON FIRE!!!”. Then I proceed to apply copious amounts of chap stick for the next 24 hours to hopefully undo the damage I’ve caused. There is no amount of Burt’s Bees that will mollify this terrible, terrible idea.
_______
9. Cracker Jack’d
Dear Cracker Jacks, why are you ruining my childhood? Why can’t you just stick with a good thing and leave well enough alone? I get it, it’s a cut-throat market out there, and you need to stay relevant, and blah blah blah, but seriously? A Cracker Jack snack line that contains caffeine?? For “adults only”? WTF. Thanks for leaving my candy-coated popcorn and peanut dreams to die.
_______
8. Buffalo Wing Soda
Mmmm. Nothing says refreshing thirst quencher like Buffalo Wing Soda! Who on God’s Green Post-Apocalyptic Earth would ever seriously drink this? I will never want my buffalo wings in carbonated liquid form. So please, Lester, stop making this. The bottle may say “Y’all get yer fixins,” but I think y’all need to get your heads checked.
_______
7. Tabasco Jelly Bellies
For a company that’s been around for over 30 years, offering over 50 flavors of jelly beans, things were bound to get weird. Boy did they ever with Tabasco flavored Jelly Bellies. You could probably only eat a few of these before wanting to pour buffalo wing soda into your eyes.
_______
6. My Little Pony Pasta
Hey girls, remember My Little Ponies? Remember their beautiful shiny manes that you would spend hours braiding, making them prance about, sniffing their backsides because they were often scented with magic and chocolate? (I’m probably the only one that did that.) Remember dunking them in tomato sauce and biting their heads off in a hungry lunchtime fury? Wait, what? No, that’s not right… AND NEITHER IS THIS PASTA PRODUCT.
_______
5. Mike’s Hard Chocolate Cherry
Oh Mike’s, we meet again. This time I’m not a sophomore in high school at an unsupervised house party pretending that I can hold liquor, when the most alcohol I had consumed at that point was in my seasonal dose of NyQuil. (Hey, don’t judge, Mike’s Hard Lemonade was a gateway drink.) Instead, it looks as though you have brought forth a “Hard Chocolate Cherry” beverage to consume this holiday season. Much like my 15 year old self, methinks sledding down a carpeted flight of stairs resulting in a sprained ankle and loss of self-respect seems like a better choice than this.
_______
4. Evil Hot Gummi Bears
Evil and Gummy Bears should never be in the same sentence. Imagine popping one into your mouth, expecting a burst of fruit and delight, when suddenly to your horror an onslaught of hellfire and habanero takes over. Excuse me, but that’s just rude.
_______
3. Pickle Candy Canes
What can I even say about this? Gather ’round kids! It’s that magical time of year, when Santa Claus comes to spread joy and give presents to good little boys and girls! Nothing says good tidings and cheer like a dill and peppermint hook of terror. Surprise, and Merry Christmas!
_______
2. Seasonal flavored Pringles
October through December is generally a time for seasonal flavored everything, and Pringles brand is not one to be left behind. Behold! Seasonal flavored Pringles! Don’t be confused, these are not pumpkin/chocolate/cinnamon treats shaped in the iconic form of a Pringle. Oh no, these are ACTUAL potato Pringles sprinkled with the aforementioned flavor combinations. I think I just threw up a little. I’m looking at you, White Chocolate Peppermint.
_______
1. Flavored Vodka
Listen, I get it- flavored vodka is not a shocking new idea that suddenly appeared this year. Hell, I would never have made it through 2007 without heavy doses of vanilla vodka and Coca Cola, but I think things are getting out of hand here. Suddenly I’m combating the likes of waffle, whipped cream, birthday cake, popcorn, and for the love of all things holy, wasabi-flavored vodkas. Why? Why are we allowing such abominations? What happened to chewing our curious confections? Why are we now guzzling them down with reckless abandon, because Amber Rose tells us so? NO! I say we take a stand and say no to absurdly flavored vodkas in 2013.
Unless of course, you want to make me birthday cake Jello shots.
So kids, that wraps up the 11 food items that should be recalled in 2013. But wait — didn’t we just survive an apocalypse folks? If there’s one thing we learned it’s #YOLO 4lyfe and what the heck, might as well give those White Chocolate Peppermint Pringles a try, right? Right?
