Steeped in thick batter, then mercilessly deep-fried, so is the world of inglorious fair food. Naturally, when we got word that our local fair was serving Deep-Fried Doritos, Deep-Fried Pecan Pie-On-A-Stick, and some kind Deep-Fried Jack Daniels sorcery — we had to get in on it.

Apparently aware of our gluttonous journey, the day before we set out to opening day of the Orange County Fair for our coverage, a company by the name of UrgentRx sent us the most hilariously-timed package we’d ever received: a box full of their over-the-counter heart burn relief powders. Also in the care package was Upset Stomach Relief, Head Ache Relief and, just in case we needed it…Critical Care Aspirin, which their fact sheet described “its 325mg dose of aspirin taken at the first sign of a heart attack can improve chances of survival by 23% – a wallet must-have.”

Here’s the new goodness we tried, where to get it, and how much it’ll cost you:

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Deep Fried Doritos

WHAT: Doritos covered in batter, then deep-fried. Somehow they get lighter and flakier in the process. Couple your order with some Ranch dipping sauce and have yourself a good time, probably one of the most necessary finger foods you should try at the fair this year.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Chicken Charlie’s. You can’t miss his booth, it’s on the North side of the fairgrounds, and this dude has the easily the biggest, most ridiculous booth that makes all surrounding booths like like little Lego homes in comparison.

$: 8.75

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Deep Fried White Castle Burgers

WHAT:  Exactly what it sounds like. If you like White Castle + fried things, split an order of this with a few friends so you don’t kill yourself.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Chicken Charlie’s, yeah we’re still here.

$: 7.75

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Deep Fried Chicken Skins

WHAT: Title speaks for itself, but if you’ve tried these things before

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Chicken Charlie’s, we should leave soon.

$: Woops, was so excited didn’t write it down.

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Deep Fried Cookie Dough

WHAT: Amazing. My favorite dessert of the fair — a crispy edge to warm, gooey cookie dough? So. Damn. Good.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Chicken Charlie’s

$:  7.75

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Deep Fried Chicken Skins + Deep Fried White Castle Burger + Deep Fried Doritos + Deep Fried Cookie Dough

WHAT: Geoff‘s eccentricities getting the best of him, and deciding he wanted to taste all of Chicken Charlie’s new delicacies in one bite. Iff you decide to make and eat this bad boy, you’re really going to need that UrgentRX Heartburn Relief med.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Chicken Charlie’s

$: Add up the prices of all the things in there. You can make a couple of these after buying the plates separately.

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Deep Fried Pecan Pie on a Stick

WHAT: An entire slice of pecan pie, deep fried, and delivered on a stick.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Fried Sweets, it’s near the ferris wheel across from the photo booths.

$: 8

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Giant Pop Rocks Donut

WHAT: A humongous, pancake-sized warm fluffy donut with a warm pink icing and topped with Cherry Pop Rocks. The donut is what makes this thing credible, the dough is perfect, the warm fry keeps it edible for awhile and it’s a messy delight for everyone involved.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Texas Doughnuts, they have a huge banner with a giant picture of this thing. You’ll see it.

$: 8.75

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Pickle Dog: A Corn Dog with a Pickle Inside

WHAT:  A bit pricey, but one of the most delicious and unique things at the fair for 2014. This booth hollows out a giant pickle, sticks a weiner-on-a-stick through it, and then batters and fries the entire thing. If you’re a fan of pickles and corndogs respectively, you’ll relish in this extravagant new food item (get it?).

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Get Pickled

$: 10

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Drunken Pickle Poppers

WHAT: Pickles and Jalapeno poppers had a baby. Fried pickles stuffed with cream cheese & jalapenos. Messy and delicious. Get an order of these.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Get Pickled

$: 11

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Tasti Chips w/ Nacho Cheese and Jalapenos

WHAT: Nothing extravagant or shocking, just a fantastically accurate baked potato chip with nacho cheese and jalapenos. Really delicious, deserved some shine.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Tasti Chips, across from all the animals and shit. Literally, it smells like shit in this part of the park.

$: 10.50

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Deep Fried Bacon Wrapped Turkey Leg

WHAT: We’ve seen turkey legs before. We’ve seen bacon-wrapped turkey legs before. But never have we see deep-fried bacon wrapped around an enormous multiple-pound turkey leg — and frankly, it was absolutely delicious. The Guiness Beer-battered bacon really shines and the turkey leg remains ample. If you plan on enjoying the entire thing with multiple people, I’d recommend jumping on a table with a few plates, and start shaving the entire thing off the bone — otherwise after a few bites you’ll all be sharing the same, saliva-ridden meat dumbbell.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Bacon-A-Fair, but it’ll linger in your arteries hardcore.

$: 20

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Naked shrimp, rice and pineapple-pineapple bowl

WHAT: YES. I can’t believe it either — we’re talking about a dish that’s not deep fried and it won’t immediately send you into a cardiac arrest, but it was one of the most delicious, fulfilling and scrumptious things at the fair. The shrimp has a crazy good marinade, the pineapples are cut fresh and the sticky rice absorbs the flavor of the half pineapple it’s sitting in.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Pineapple Express (also a Chicken Charlie’s booth), across from the big amp

$: 14.75

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Deep Fried Pineapples

WHAT: If you like pineapples, these things are moist with a light crunch, in a good good way. The chocolate and coconut is a perfect touch.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Pineapple Express (also a Chicken Charlie’s booth)

$: $6.75

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Chili Relleno Chorizo Cheeseburger on a Pretzel Bun

WHAT: A chili releno, chipotle mayo, cheddar cheese, regular hamburger patty, chorizo burger patty, all on a pretzel bun. A bit on the expensive side for a burger, but damn was it tasty.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Grantburgers, right next to Tasti Chips from above, if you find that, you’ll find this.

$: 15.75

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Deep Fried Jack Daniel’s

WHAT:  A bit mis-leading of a name, but it’s a Jack Daniel’s-infused churro, wrapped in bacon. It comes with a side of whipped cream and maple syrup, but I highly recommend trying the entire dish sans any of the fancy toppings and letting the Jack Daniel’s shine through. The flavors are fantastic — essentially breakfast in your mouth.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND IT: Bacon-A-Fair

$: 6.50

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