17-Year-Old Collapses Due to McNugget Overdose

Among the ranks of fast food heroes are Herman Cain, known for his Godfathers’ Pizza affiliation and his gospel songs about pizza, Susan Guy, Domino’s deliverer extraordinaire, and the woman who cried when In-N-Out burger opened in Texas. These people have loved fast food to a mentally unhealthy degree, in a way that is fun to watch and even, to some of us who cry at Zaxby’s and make up fake birthdays in order to eat at Outback, relate-able.

However, there can be such a thing as a fast food non-hero (now taking suggestions for a more clever title). And I’m sad to present to you the first reported case of a fast food non-hero, Stacey Irvine. Ms. Irvine fell in love with chicken nuggets at age two, and has eaten little else since. In fact, she claims never to have enjoyed a fresh fruit or vegetable.

(ed note: Thankfully, years of chicken nugget overdose appears to have not affected her skin or body type!)

“McDonald’s chicken nuggets are my favourite. I share 20 with my boyfriend with chips,” says Ms. Irvine, now interviewing with various news outlets after her recent collapse due to nutrients deficiency. Her nug lovin’ has not only caused Ms. Irvine to be seriously nutritionally impaired, it’s also caused anemia and swollen tongue veins (??). But of course, I, as a psych-nut, have to wonder about the psychological addiction I’m sure she’s got going on: how hard must it be for her to quit the food that has been her life-blood for basically her entire solid-food-eating life? Ms. Irvine claims to eat very little other than nuggets, occasionally supplementing her diet with things like chips and toast.

Combine the studies about the addictive qualities of fast food with the concept of having to quit something you’ve been doing since before you could form a complete sentence…and you’ve got one helluva situation to overcome.

Stacey, who has been urged to drastically change her diet, is currently at home recovering on a high-dose of vitamins of which she has been deficient of for some time.

When not worried about her arterial health, Ms. Irvine’s problems include what the F to do with her massive accumulate of Happy Meal Toys. SERIOUSLY.