It’s hardly news that forks and knives have been replaced with crank-fitted cutlery and laser-cutter pizza slicers. If you even try to stab your salad with an ordinary utensil, you risk being shamed by your contemporary diners. For those tech-savvy ladies and gents reverse-chilling their beer and popping out Twinkies in waffle makers, this one’s for you.

Oh, those silly, clever and inevitably useless gadgets that make mankind’s genius all the more wonderful. While I’m sure we’d get along perfectly without them, sometimes the invention of the whimsical is just the thing you need. So, enjoy this list of the 13 Most Extraordinarily Useless Food Inventions of 2013.

______

13. Finger Tongs

Rather than going face first into a pile of buffalo wings, you can now daintily pick at them with a pair of Trongs, aka finger chopsticks. Or, you could go face first into a pile of buffalo wings. Mmmm…

______

12. The most gorgeous possible way to squeeze a lemon

We’re just going to file this one under “Stuff people with diamond cufflinks like”.

______

11.Chopstick Straws are exactly what they sound like

Oh my goodness guys, someone reinvented the straw!!$%&??!!!

______

10. 2-in-1 glass lets you drink two different beers at the same damn time

Have you ever seen sheer drunken genius? Well, here you go, the boozy form of eating your cake and having it too.

______

9. Roll-on Olive Oil

The idea behind the “Oil-On” dispenser is to prevent you from sogging up your bread with massive amounts of olive oil. Because bread has flavor too, you know. *Proceeds to chug olive oil out of bottle*

______

8. The Ultimate Video Game Beer-Dispensng Hybird

A keg with three separate taps, a 60-inch HDTV screen, a built-in fridge, and 140 classic video games all in one beer-flowing arcade hybrid. Sounds too good to be true? That’s because it is, unless you have $5000 lying around.

______

7. The ‘Mini Me’ Nibble Pan

Apparently, nibbling at bits of your freshly-made cake is a bad thing. Looking to prevent unsightly snackholes from ruining your cake, the Nibble Pan comes attached with a small silicone cup that lets bakers sample their creations botch-free. Also, snackholes.

______

6. OCD Laser Pizza Cutter

Does the sight of a crooked slice of pizza irk you? If so, this laser-pointed pizza cutter lets you cut your pies with precision. Another option is to eat the entire pie to yourself to avoid the situation all-together.

______

5. Reverse Magical Microwave will chill your beer in 45 seconds

The V-Tex uses a a “start stop rotational sequence” to create a Rankine vortex that won’t disturb the drink’s carbonation while bringing down the temperature at rapid speeds. I know, you see my mouth moving but all you hear is “drink beer faster.”

______

4. Get this Homemade Twinkie Machine then never use it, just like the real thing

Let’s ignore the fact that no one actually eats Twinkies anymore, and just be stoked that we can now make cream cakes stuffed with juicy bacon bits soaked in maple syrup. We can feel our arteries clogging just thinking about it.

______

3. Anti-Loneliness Bowl

What’s sadder than eating alone? Crying kittens Broken tacos  Apparently, nothing. Luckily, this Anti-loneliness Ramen Bowl exists so that you can FaceTime while simultaneously Instagramming photos of yourself eating ramen.

______

2. Water Bottle Growler

Behold: a stainless steel flask that will keep your beer cold and preserve its carbonation for up to 24 hours. I know, there’s a lot of booze on this list. If you’re mad, go home, you’re not drunk enough.

______

1. Twist-Off Wine Cork

No more jabbing your corks with a kitchen knife when your wine opener is nowhere to be found. The Helix features a cork with a threaded finish and matching threaded bottle neck that lets drinkers effortlessly open and reseal the bottle thanks to the product’s airtight barrier. Ok, now the bad news: it’ll be another two more years ’til we see this ingenuity hit shelves.

____